


Nothing up my Sleeve...

by Immorticon



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Birthday, Magic, greentext, younger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immorticon/pseuds/Immorticon
Summary: Originally written: October 16, 2016The birthday cake is late, and the House of Loud is gettin' cranky.Rita needs to stall for time, and haggles a deal with untold consequences...
Kudos: 2





	Nothing up my Sleeve...

>Mom feels her phone ring in her pocket.  
>She manages to finally secure a squirming Lucy into her high seat, then fishes out the buzzing rectangle and sees who it is.  
>Dad.  
>Finally.  
>Before she answers, she ducks into the kitchen.  
>Her motherly intuition tells her this won't be good.  
>"Honey, where are you? You should have been back here ten minutes ago."  
>"I'm stuck in traffic."  
>Mom takes a quick peek back into the dining room.  
>Lori's trying to keep everyone together.  
>Luna's quietly trying to help.  
>Thank God for those two.  
>"What do you mean traffic?" she hisses into the phone. "It's Sunday afternoon!"  
>"There was an accident a ways ahead of me, and the road's blocked off," her husband grumbles.  
>"W-well, how long do you think you'll be?"  
>She silently prays while waiting for an answer.  
>Please be ten minutes.  
>Please God.  
>"I think over half an hour at this rate."  
>No.  
>God dammit.  
>"Half an ho-"  
>Mom slaps a hand to her mouth.  
>She glances back into the dining room.  
>Leni's still playing with her hair.  
>Lori's still keeping everyone occupied.  
>"Ok. Half an hour," she finishes. "Alright. I can...I can figure something out."  
>"You'll have to stall until I get home," dad says. "You remember what happened last time."  
>Mom shudders at the thought.  
>It took an hour to get the closet open.  
>Lori cried for a week.  
>Just then, a brown ponytail stomping past her vision catches Mom's attention.  
>Luan yanks open the fridge, pulling out a carton of milk.  
>The teeth poking past her lip glimmer with metal.  
>There's a firm scowl on her face.  
>Mom shakes her head sadly.  
>Luan begged not to have braces put in at the dentist's last week.  
>And sobbed.  
>And pleaded.  
>Ever since, she's been in a foul mood.  
>She wakes up complaining of a sore mouth, and every night ends with her having a tantrum.  
>Mom's tried everything to cheer her up, to no success.  
>And now that the cake is late, she's going to be stretched too thin to...  
>Wait.  
>"Honey, get home as quick as you can. I got this."

>Mom watches Luan sip at her milk, wincing and muttering as the cold fluid irritates her braces.  
>When she's half done, she approaches her.  
>"Luan, honey?" Mom says tentatively. "Mommy needs some help, and she would appreciate if you give her a hand."  
>Luan doesn't answer, shooting her a short glare before taking another sip.  
>At least she has her attention.  
>Mom gets down on her knees to look her daughter in the eye.  
>"Your father just called, and he said he's going to be late bringing the cake home."  
>Luan still glares at her, but her face softens enough that mom feels comfortable continuing.  
>"You remember what happened last time the cake was late, with Lynn's birthday and the closet?"  
>Luan slowly nods.  
>Mom rests a hand on her shoulder.  
>"I'll make you a deal. You help distract the kids while we wait for daddy to get home, and I'll buy you that book you wanted at the store."  
>Luan's glare suddenly disappears.  
>That got her attention.  
>Her eyes are quickly cast down as she considers her options.  
>Then she looks hard at her mother.  
>"I want the biggest slice."  
>Mom blinks.  
>Her first instinct is to scold Luan.  
>She can't have the biggest slice, it's her brother's birthday.  
>She has to watch her sugar intake because of her new braces, too.  
>But she quickly realizes her position in this negotiation.  
>She sighs, and raises her hand, extending her pinky.  
>"Second biggest," she counters. "It's your brother's birthday."  
>Luan rubs her chin as she considers the offer.  
>Just long enough for Mom's forehead to dampen.  
>Then she raises her hand and hooks her mother's pinky with her own.  
>With one firm shake, the contract is sealed.  
>Before she can ask what Luan's plan is, the girl is gone, a small cloud of dust trailing out the door.  
>Mom hopes she won't regret this.

>The first thing Luan does is grab one of the big flashlights out of the living room and give it to Lori.  
>The second thing is whisper instructions to Luna.  
>When she nods, Luan works on the most important task.  
>Making silly faces to get a laugh out of baby Lucy.  
>Then she's upstairs, kicking open her footlocker.  
>Digging feverishly for her equipment.  
>She can't find her pants.  
>Or most of her outfit for that matter.  
>But at least she has the essentials.  
>The hat, cape, and staff.  
>Fixing the little bowtie to her neck, Luan makes her entrance, running down the hall to find the lights off in the dining room.  
>A beam of light dances along the wall.  
>Good job, Luna.  
>"And now," Lori calls out. "For your entertainment, the marvelous, literally magnificent, the...uh...the, um..."  
>Luan rolls her eyes.  
>Never can count on her to make something up on the fly.  
>Taking the initiative, she strides down the stairs, resisting the urge to blink as the flashlight locks on to her.  
>"The Luxurious Luan...na! De Fay!" she finishes, fluttering her yellow cape in her hand.  
>Lori applauds, with Leni and Luna quickly following suit.  
>As Luan reaches the bottom of the stairs, she wastes no time in approaching the table.  
>Lucy stares wide-eyed at the mysterious stranger.  
>Lincoln's slouched down in his seat, his nose peaking over the table.  
>He's not sure whether to be afraid or intrigued.

>"I hear someone's having a birthday today!" Luanna De Fay announces.  
>Clumsily twirling her staff, she points the plastic crystal.  
>Lessee, eeny, meeny, miney...  
>"You, young lady!" she says, directing the staff to the oldest sister. "It's your birthday, isn't it."  
>Lori shakes her head, smirking at the silliness of all this.  
>Undaunted, Luan shifts her focus to Luna.  
>"How about you, ma'am?" she demands, squinting suspiciously at the long-haired brunette. "Is it the anniversary of your birth?!"  
>Luna grins nervously and looks away, shyly shaking her head.  
>"Clearly then, it must be...:"  
>Luan bends over to look at baby Lucy.  
>"You..." she whispers in mock menace, waving her staff in her little sister's face.  
>Lucy tries to grab the plastic bauble, giggling and babbling excitedly.  
>"Um...It's...m-my birthday..."  
>Luan slowly turns to observe the nervous little boy, his hand shaking slightly as he raises it.  
>She grins.  
>"So...the birthday boy finally shows himself."  
>Luan leans on her staff, resting her chin on the plastic crystal.  
>She slowly raises an eyebrow at him.  
>Lincoln only nods, shrinking further into his seat.  
>He squeaks in fear when she thrusts her hand in his direction.  
>"Luanna De Fay, Maestro Magician," she greets, tipping her hat.  
>Lincoln looks at Luan, then her hand.  
>He doesn't reach over to shake.  
>A few seconds later, Luan withdraws.

>Coughing nervously to clear her throat, she continues.  
>"Now, I have come here from across time and space," she recites, dramatically waving her hand to emphasize her words. "From a distant land I hail, coming here from...from, uh..."  
>"Moosejaw?" Leni offers, partly paying attention.  
>"Yes, Moosej-"  
>Luan shoots her sister a glare.  
>Whatever.  
>Roll with it.  
>"I come from the mysterious northern wasteland of Moosejaw!"  
>The room is silent.  
>"...From the future! Where mosquiters rule over man, and...every house is damp, year-long!"  
>A collective gasp rings through the room.  
>Lincoln struggles to sit up.  
>Now he's interested.  
>"And from the future, I bring you an example of what we are capable of!"  
>Luan tosses her cane aside.  
>"Ow!"  
>Accidentally smacking Leni in the face with it.  
>She shakes her hands.  
>"Now, watch closely."  
>Sticking out her arm, she pulls the cuff down, exposing her wrist and forearm.  
>"Nothing under this sleeve, right?"  
>Lincoln nods.  
>Leni rubs her cheek.  
>Wiggling her fingers, Luan reaches for the other sleeve.  
>"And nothing under this one-"  
>A little red scarf drops out, fluttering down to the floor.  
>Lucy giggles, craning her arms to try and grab it, despite the distance.  
>Luan quickly picks the scarf up, her face already matching it.  
>"S-so that's where I put it, heh," she stutters.  
>Lincoln doesn't respond, still watching her intently.  
>"O-Ok, now watch closely."  
>shaking her hand to unfurl the small cloth, Luan stealthily draws the false thumb from her shirt pocket.  
>"I shall make this cloth...disappear!"  
>Silence.  
>She can feel sweat start to bead along her brow.  
>"...And return it to the future!"  
>Another string of gasps.  
>Better.  
>"As I tuck this into my palm," Luan explains, "I open a portal through time to send it back to where it came from! The...nineteenth century-"  
>"Wrong way," Lori interrupts.  
>"Twenty-fifth century!"  
>Packing the cloth into the thumb, Luan then clasps her hands together, slipping the prosthetic over the real deal.  
>Then she spreads her hands wide.  
>"Ta-daaa~"  
>Lincoln leans forward, searching for any read on her hand.  
>Lucy just gawks.

>Luan lets out a shaky breath.  
>Ok.  
>One trick down, they're loving it.  
>So far, so good.  
>Now on to stage two.  
>"N-now, for my next trick..." she says, adjusting her hat and reaching into her pocket for the deck of cards.  
>Her eyes widen.  
>Her pocket is empty.  
>She checks the other pocket.  
>Nothing.  
>Now she's getting nervous.  
>Her back pockets are empty, as well as the hidden one in her cape.  
>"Psst, Luan!"  
>Luan's head snaps towards Luna.  
>She reaches over the table, a small deck of cards in her hand.  
>"Thank you," the young magician mouths, snatching the pack from her sister.  
>She clears her throat.  
>Take two.  
>"Now, as my next trick, I will have you take a card!"  
>Carefully spreading the deck into a fan, Luan approaches the birthday boy.  
>His nervousness is long gone, replaced with an eagerness to see more tricks.  
>"Pick a card," Luan instructs, "and DON'T let me see it."  
>Lincoln studies the fan, his hand roaming from one end to the other.  
>Finally, he randomly plucks a card from the lot.  
>He immediately puts his hand over the back, as if to shield it from any prying eyes.  
>"Now, I want you to rememborize it."  
>Lincoln's brow furrows, concentrating hard enough into the small square to almost burn a hole through it.  
>"Now give it back to me, don't let me see it."  
>Lincoln clasps both his hands around the card, reaching over to return the treasure to Luan.  
>"Thank you. Now, I will demineralize-"  
>"Determine," Lori corrects.  
>"Determine your card through, uh...through diving nation-no, um...drive-thru...divi-divine! I will divine your card through the spirits!"  
>Her audience responds with a smattering of "oohs."

>Luan carefully splits the deck, stacking the two halves and clumsily meshing them together.  
>Three times, like the YouTube video said.  
>Luan leans over the table for this part.  
>Cutting the pack of cards in hand, she carefully bends them between her thumbs forefingers.  
>She sticks out of her tongue in concentration.  
>Come on Luan.  
>You got this.  
>Don't mess u-  
>*pssshhh*  
>About half of the cards in her left hand slip loose, springing out in a cascade.  
>She jerks back with a startled squeak.  
>*pssshhh*  
>And there goes the other hand.  
>Luan watches, dejected, as the glittery cards flutter through the air.  
>"Dang it," she mutters.  
>Lincoln and Lucy shriek with laughter, clapping excitedly at the sudden surprise.  
>Well, at least they're enjoying it.  
>Luan fidgets with her hat again before getting on her hands and knees, picking up the cards.  
>Lori, Leni and Luna get down with her to help their sister.  
>After grabbing the last card, Luan smooths out the deck before ducking into the kitchen.  
>"Mom? Can you help me, please?"  
>A moment later, Luan returns, a freshly shuffled deck in hand.  
>"After consulting future Wikipedia, I have demin-determined what your card is!"  
>In reality, mom was watching from the kitchen.  
>She saw what card it was.  
>Seven of clubs.  
>"Now, young man," Luan says dramatically.  
>Then she pauses, also dramatically.  
>Lincoln watches her expectantly.  
>"Is this..."  
>Another pause.  
>She slowly rests her free hand on the top of the deck.  
>Lincoln's eyes are saucers.  
>"Is this," she says, louder.  
>You can almost hear the scrape of paper against paper as she draws her card.  
>Lincoln is practically vibrating in his seat.  
>His tiny hands balled into trembling fists.

>"Is this...YOUR CARD!" Luan yells, flinging the card at her brother.  
>He screams at the top of his lungs, twisting his head as the square of paper lightly slaps.  
>Then he starts cackling, his feet kicking the tabletop from beneath.  
>Luan feels at the top of her game.  
>She's practically overdosing on smug.  
>Dear God, even her eyebrow is raised.  
>Lincoln finally calms down, picking up the card to inspect it.  
>Nothing can stop her now.  
>Absolutely nothing.  
>"Nope."  
>Except for that.  
>And just like that, her self-assurance collapses just as fast as her grin.  
>"W-what?" she asks, snatching the card back to look at it.  
>"Rules for playing...seven-card stud," she slowly reads.  
>The room is silent.  
>"No, I...I guess this isn't it..."  
>She turns back to glare into the kitchen, willing death upon all who dwell within.  
>Mom simply shrugs.  
>She thought she put the seven on top.  
>Luan turns back, tucking the deck into the pocket and fixing her hat again.  
>Lori quickly tucks the flashlight under her arms to clap.  
>"Another trick!" She demands, trying to keep her sister's mood up.  
>Luna quickly follows her lead, nudging Leni to do the same.

>"More trick!" Lincoln demands, banging his fists on the table.  
>Lucy just babbles loudly, copying her brother and slapping the tray to her high chair.  
>Luan hikes up her hat for the umpteenth time.  
>Stupid thing's too big.  
>She taps her temples nervously.  
>Come on Luan.  
>What else do you have?  
>Mumbling nervously, she starts patting her pockets, looking for any new material.  
>She can only remember the card trick and the scarf trick.  
>"Um..." she whimpers, furiously digging into every pocket she has.  
>Come on.  
>Something.  
>Anything.  
>Please.  
>*clnk*  
>The third dig through her pants pocket, she feels something hard brush against her fingertips.  
>Carefully drawing her hand back for fear of breaking her possible salvation, Luan stares at the two-headed quarter nestled in her palm.  
>She can feel two other quarters jingle in her pants.  
>The wheels are already spinning in her head.  
>She's got it.  
>She flexes her thumb, locking the coin in her palm.  
>"F-for my last trick," Luan stammers, clearing her throat before continuing, "I bring a gift for Lincoln from the future metropolis of Moosejaw."  
>Lincoln gasps loudly.  
>Lori opens her mouth, then shakes her head.  
>She's butted in enough.  
>Keeping her palm hidden from view, Luan goes around the table, approaching her birthday brother.  
>"It was sent here earlier," she announces, reaching up behind him. "From the future! A treasure fit for kings!"  
>She loosens her grip on the coin, letting it slip onto her fingers.  
>"But, the density was messed up! So it ended up..."  
>She brushes her fingers against his ear, causing him to giggle from the tickling.  
>"Here."  
>She flips over her hand, showing off the shiny coin.

>Lincoln doesn't say a word.  
>He just stares at the coin in the magician's hand.  
>Completely awestruck.  
>A quarter!  
>A whole gosh darn quarter!  
>He's only ever seen...  
>One...two...  
>Three quarters in his life!  
>And one of them was even from Canadia!  
>He starts to reach for it.  
>"Ah buh-buh-buh!" Luan scolds, pulling her hand away.  
>Lincoln sputters, his face contorted in dismay and confusion.  
>"Here's the deal, mister."  
>She crouches down, so she's eye-level with her brother.  
>"Do you know what 'double or nothing' means?"  
>Lincoln stops complaining to think.  
>He shakes his head.  
>"Alright, birthday boy, here's the deal. I'm going to toss this coin. And if it comes up heads..."  
>She gestures to the shiny face of the little man on the side of the coin.  
>"You get FOUR quarters. Four! But! If you get tails..."  
>She closes her hand.  
>"It goes back to the future. What do you say?"

>Leni gasps.  
>Lori shushes her.  
>Luna watches quietly, with a grin on her face.  
>Lincoln becomes quiet and withdrawn  
>Thinking as hard as he can.  
>Weighing his options as best a dumb six-year-old can rationalize.  
>Four quarters...?  
>Is that even possible?  
>He could be rich...  
>He could buy a lot of candy with that kind of money.  
>Or even a dollar!  
>He slams his tiny fists onto the table.  
>His jaw is set.  
>There's fire in his eyes.  
>"Flip! Flip!" he demands, punctuating his words with more banging.  
>Luan grins, standing back up.  
>"The contract is sealed! Now..."  
>She tucks her thumb into her fist, plopping the trick coin on tip.  
>"...Keep your eye on the birdy."  
>She flicks upward.  
>The quarter springs upward.  
>Time slows down for the children, their eyes locked onto the spinning, shiny circle.  
>A perfect toss.  
>It's altitude slows.  
>Stops.  
>Then starts to drop.  
>As it starts its descent, Luan starts to swing her hand out to catch it in mid air.  
>It's a shame, really.  
>Her timing was perfect.  
>She would have caught it if her braces didn't decide to remind her of her place.  
>Her heads jerks roughly to the left, vainly trying to move away from the stab of pain her teeth shot out.  
>This causes her aim to falter.  
>Her fingers close just a second too slow.  
>Instead of closing tight against the coin, she instead wildly swats it.  
>*fwip!*  
>"Ow!"  
>Right into leni's face, bouncing off her nose and landing on the floor.  
>Where it bounces three times.  
>Rolls into the living room.  
>*plnk*  
>And falls into the floor vent.

>Aside from the ticking of the old clock, the room was silent.  
>A little girl's bitter sobbing quickly fills in the space.  
>Before Lori can stop her, Luan's running.  
>She runs as fast her legs can carry her.  
>She scales the stairs despite being half blind from the tears.  
>It's actually pretty impressive.  
>But then her hat decides to pull a dick move.  
>*schwp*  
>Just as she turns the corner.  
>She's blind!  
>Her toe crunches painfully into something hard!  
>She can't stop her momentum!  
>Dear God, she's going to crash!  
>*Krump*  
>Lori grimaces when she hears Luan trip over the old tea table.  
>She's barely halfway up the stairs when the wailing starts.  
>"Mom!" Lori yells over the Bannister.  
>Just as a car door slams shut.  
>Lori helps her mother carry the young magician into her room, right before dad enters the house.

>Luan stays in her room for the rest of the day.  
>Lori, Luna and mom each try to get her to come downstairs to celebrate.  
>She doesn't bother answering.  
>Eventually they decide to leave her alone.  
>Until.  
>*tp tp tp*  
>"Luan, honey?" Mom calls. "Could you open the door, please?"  
>No answer from the other side of the door.  
>"Sweetie, please. You've been cooped up in there all day," mom continues. "If you're upset about the coin, I'll get you a new one."  
>Still nothing.  
>"It isn't that..." a soft voice utters.  
>Never mind.  
>"Then what's wrong, Luan? You did such a good jo-"  
>"No I didn't!" Luan snaps, making mom flinch.  
>"I did a terrible job! I couldn't remember any of the good tricks, and I only did one right!"  
>Mom doesn't answer, listening to her daughter's bitter complaining.

>But that.  
>Was.  
>It.  
>"Young lady, that is enough," mom says, putting on her "mom voice."  
>The whining from beyond the door is immediately snuffed out.  
>"I'm sorry you feel like this. I am. But this is not your day. Now, you have two options," mom continues, tapping hard at the door.  
>"Oh...Ok?" Luan nervously replies.  
>"One, you open this door, come downstairs, wish your brother a happy birthday, and have some food."  
>Before Luan can reply, mom finishes her ultimatum.  
>"Or two. You stay in your room and be all sad. For five minutes. Then your father, or Leni, comes up here, picks the lock, and you go downstairs anyways. And you'll be grounded afterwards. You have ten seconds to choose."  
>There's no answer.  
>"One. Two. Three-"  
>Mom stops when she hears the bedsprings squeak.  
>Then soft footsteps approaching the door.  
>A brief pause.  
>But longer than mom likes.  
>"Four."  
>*Clk*  
>That's better.  
>Before Luan can open the door, mom gives the signal.  
>As the hinges start to squeak, Luan is knocked back by the door being shoved from the other side.  
>She stumbles back with a startled yelp.  
>Which turns into a frightened shriek when a large mass tackles her to the ground.  
>Which in turn becomes a confused grunt as she recognizes her assailant.  
>Lincoln holds tight, giggling and sputtering loudly as he hugs her.  
>Mom smiles as she watches from the hall, leaning against the doorframe.  
>"He's been asking for you the entire time."

>"Luan! Luan!" He cries out, bouncing on her chest. "How did you do all that?!"  
>Then he's off her, blathering aimlessly as he climbs onto the bed.  
>"I wanna know! I wanna know! Tell me how!"  
>Rolling into a sitting position, Luan shoots a quick glare at her mother.  
>Her grin grows in both size and smug.  
>The glare's an empty gesture anyways.  
>Her attitude completely evaporated.  
>As if a six-year old happily knocked it out of her in a sugar and present-filled frenzy.  
>Luan pulls herself back onto her feet, dusts herself off, and creeps towards her bed.  
>Lincoln still jumps around, shooting out questions faster than he can think of them.  
>He doesn't notice his sister until it's too late.  
>His rambling turns into a terrified scream when Luan grabs him midjump, snatching him out of the air and pulling him into a tight hug.  
>Frenzied laughter quickly replaces the shrieking as Luan peppers his cheeks with full-auto kissies and the odd underslung raspberry or two to the neck.  
>When he's out of breath she unceremoniously dumps him onto her matress.  
>She sits down beside the exhausted boy, hefting him and pulling into a softer hug.  
>"Tell you what, big boy," she whispers, rocking him back and forth, "go get some sleep, and tomorrow I'll show you another trick or two, Ok?"  
>Luan's assault did a number on the birthday boy.  
>He's struggling to not slip out of her grip and collapse.  
>He can barely muster the strength to keep his eyes open.  
>"Oh, and I can't tell you how I do the tricks," Luan admits, "That's against the rules."  
>He can only find the fortitude to say something.  
>Just one word.  
>"Promise...?"  
>He starts going slack as his sister gives him lone last kiss on the nose.>"Promise. Happy birthday, Lincoln."  
>Gently lowering him down, Luan wipes her eyes and gets up.  
>Mom comes into her room to collect her son.  
>Easily scooping him up, she and her daughter carry him to his room.  
>Tucking him in, the two girls go downstairs to eat.  
>To find that Lincoln had given the magician the biggest slice.

~Fin~


End file.
